Her Pain Is Your Biggest Opportunity: The Shift Most Men Miss in Betrayal Recovery

Her Pain Is Your Biggest Opportunity: The Shift Most Men Miss in Betrayal Recovery

By Dan Oakes, Arizona Family Institute

In your process of overcoming betrayal — trying to get all the details out, trying to live in honesty and integrity, trying to overcome your addiction, trying to heal your partner — these can be big mountains to climb. But a very particular shift has to happen. And in my years working with men in this dilemma, there's one thing they often get wrong. In our Shift program, we teach it specifically. It comes out of the deceptive sexuality model developed by Dr. Omar Mowla. (see my video on this topic)

Listen carefully.

The One Thing Men Get Wrong

When guys try to resolve this issue, they're trying to get their own behaviors under control. They're trying to become consistent. They're trying to be men of integrity. They're trying to help their wives heal — to help the injured party.

But here's what happens. As the injured party comes closer to you — because she wants to heal too — her nervous system kicks in. Why are you going back to him? And she gets scared. Angry. Defensive.

And the guy thinks, Gosh, you just keep bringing it up. You just keep living in the past.

And right there, he misses the opportunity. He misses the chance to nurture her nervous system. This is the biggest issue I see. He gets defensive, or angry, or full of shame, when his wife experiences pain or fear about being close to him — about learning to trust him again.

The truth is, her pain and her fear are your biggest opportunity. To attend. To help. To heal. Without those moments, it won't.

An Analogy About a Cop and a Pregnant Woman

Let me give you an analogy.

A cop was once chasing a swerving car. The car was speeding up, becoming more reckless over time. It even sideswiped another car. It was clearly going in a bad direction. And finally it kind of wrecked against a wall.

The cop is ready. Adrenaline up. Ready to get out of the car and arrest this drunk driver, this reckless driver. But the door of that car opens, and what stumbles out is a woman who is nine months pregnant. And she's yelling, "I'm so sorry, I'm so sorry, I'm sorry — I'm in labor, I'm trying to get to the hospital, I couldn't drive, I'm having contractions."

And the cop said this really interesting thing. He said, "I had never felt such an intense, dramatic shift in my life. My nervous system shifted. From defensiveness and aggression — into compassion." He said, "I never missed a beat. I kept running toward her in the same direction I was running, but now for another purpose." He picks her up. Carries her to his car. Takes her to the hospital himself.

This little analogy is not unlike what it is to heal betrayal.

When Her Pain Stops Being an Interruption

At some point, the pain of the injured party is no longer bothersome. No longer interruptive. No longer irritating. Her pain triggers something else inside of you — compassion. A desire to attend. A desire to nurture. Even when that pain looks reckless.

An Invitation

This is what we do in the Shift intensive program. We're moving men out of shame and harm — into integrity, fidelity, and truth.

If you're interested, come be with us. Join us. Learn. Grow. Repair your integrity and your strength. Your true masculinity, your true self, will grow. And you will find the healing that you're looking for.