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Connection v. Protection

Dec 21, 2021

It's really interesting to me sometimes when I work with couples that sometimes we get really confused about how to build a relationship.   We forget that building relationship is something that's pretty natural in us.  We do it unconsciously. We do it when we're young we form bonded relationships with our parents and with our siblings. Parents have these instinctual desires to connect with their children and to love them and to care for them and to nurture when they're in distress.  We know that the kind of language that is unspoken and natural lives in our nervous syste it lives within us and we forget that the thing that changes though is that while we're all born for connection what we don't always recognize is that when we get hurt that connection principle inverts and we rewire for protection and we pull back and hold back and then what happens in a relationship is it appears to me that my partner's not interested or doesn't want me or something like that when really they're protecting themselves like we protect ourselves so it's fundamental sometimes to really understand our human nature the part of us that gets protective and how it interacts interacts with the part of us that wants connection deeply so sometimes before we can repair a relationship we want to restore a clarity and an understanding about how our nervous system our biology how it functions and how it works so that we can understand this approach avoid this desire and withdrawal that we sometimes get stuck in but understanding that we're all human that we have a nervous system that we live in nature and our bodies are natural is a critical part of how to build healthy relationships and how to repair relationships remember we're all human. thank you
Dan Oakes MEd LPD
Clinical Director
Arizona Family Institute 

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